When she spoke her smoke floated when it left her throat
Bad habits… i got a plenty. But I’m pretty sure I’m not alone. Hell I know I’m not alone. But still the same, the purpose of this post is not to be about you. For about a week now, sleep comes to visit at very late hours. I got a lot floating around in this head and heart of mine. I believe I worry too much about the future, even though my current mantra is to live in the moment. I feel that my bad habits are catching up with me. Some threatening to consume me. Even as i type this, with Kind of Blue being the soundtrack to the post, I hear Audre Lorde and Marianne Williamson whispering in the breeze generated by my ceiling fan.
I inhale vapors and try to blow out my confusion. I sip the fool’s nectar hoping to swallow some reason. I am the beautiful contradiction. I walk to staccato beats and my hips sway to hi drums. But when the night falls, my loneliness calls. Thanks for the words Whitney. And in this state, i must face my bad habits. Stripped from the designer bags, high heels, pearls, and stones i adorn myself, here is where i am truly me.
Dear reader please don’t think that i fool myself into being something I’m not or that I sit at home wondering “woo is me” thoughts. Absolutely not, I am strong, and confident, and in the end hopeful. Having these words in my personal arsenal of characteristics gives me enough sense to know when to give myself an honest look over. Makes me keep it 100 with myself, realize that there are things that still need fine tuning, and truthfully probably will always need fine tuning. Hopefully as time goes, I will capture the stillness i seek, not be fearful of the path before me. Until I reach that path, Miles and Coltrane will continue to sing me nightly lullabies.
As I lay in slumber last night, I had a beautiful dream*. And I know exactly what its imagery was in reference to. But for most of the day, I have been too afraid to approach it head on. I guess I was hoping that maybe if I let it fade, then I won’t have to address its rather apparent truth. But before I wax and wane about by indecision in making this entry, I guess I should give some sort of description of the dream that was oh so beautiful.
I do not remember what my function was in this dream or to what or whom I was after, but I was seeking something. I remember being in a building where the stairs wrapped around one another and the elevator was invisible and flew sideways and at an angle. Seems like the elevator was the key to my mission. And I could not for the life of me, get off the stairs and to the elevator. The only choice I had was to leap from the building and into the water that surrounded it. Upon contact, I was sucked down to the bottom, more like captured and dragged to the bottom. And I knew this was the end for I’m human and can’t breathe under water. But once I made it to my destination, strangely I could breathe; better than I ever could with air. I was greeted by a species of human-like creatures. And they accepted me. I felt at peace. I felt accepted. I felt at home. And to my surprise, I was acquainted with a love I never knew could exist. He made me glow. Literally. My aura radiated golden, with a faint trace of purple. Alas, those I left in my former reality needed me and missed me. But I knew that if I returned, I would have to leave my new found home, and my new found love.
And this is where I woke, faced with this realization. And what realization is that, that I most leave the city I currently inhabit to claim what is rightfully mine. My heart, my soul, my desires reside elsewhere. I must leave the city of my childhood, and find my place to grow as an adult. And strangely this is what I fear. Change is a good thing, but it can also be a fearful thing. The known is comfortable. You know your place, where you fit, and what is expected of you. But change I must not fear. I have made statements of moving to many, but it being a reality makes things more urgent. I must face that I will leave my home, my parents, my friends, here. For my forever is there. Wherever there may be.
*This dream was beautiful in a sense that I woke up well rested, happy, totally centered, and at peace.
I love love. There you have it. And this fondness for the feeling/experience, has gotten me martyred, and in more trouble than one needs be. Alas, I can say that I have learned from any negative love exploits I have taken. But, my heart she wants what she wants when she wants it. And I’m honest with myself. There are times when I get caught up in her whirlwind. Most recently she has been playing kiss kiss with l’amour. 2009 has been the year of the beautiful gentlemen. Well some more beautiful than others, and please understand that the term “beautiful” is more of an idea than a physical description. The main players:
There is Mr. Beautiful Mind: the newer one of the lot, actually I haven’t had the pleasure, but just the mere thought of an interaction causes the heart the skip a beat (silly me, no silly silly heart of mine).
There is Mr. Humor: oldest acquaintance, and actual ex, came to the realization that I’m “wifey” material. Hmmm so far so good.
There is The Artist: extremely eccentric, filled with soo much creativity that at times he is in a frenzy to release it, his energy is irresistible
There is Mr. Music Lover: wanna be DJ, but hey I support, he fits the profile of a guy that would gather my attention. He is the least favored of the lot
So see it’s rather easy to get caught up in the hype. But I’m not. Had this been me even a year ago, with such a palate of players to choose from, I would be in monumental TROUBLE. But here is where I have grown. Instead of leading with my heart, I finally have developed a beautiful marriage of my heart and my head. My heart she is wild, my head she is the wiser of the two. She keeps my heart in line. I know that the universe is answering my call of desire for a mate. Lucky for me, I understand that this is a gift, a blessing. It needs to be nurtured and given room to grow.
As badly as I desire h.i.m there is no need to rush. This time around I want to ensure that I get the strong, intelligent, caring, open-hearted man that I desire. His ying will balance my yang. I will have found the body in which the rib that I am fits.
Alas i’m to indecisive to figure out what my site should function as, so here i shall blog. Please dont be to harsh, for sharing my life via words is something i havent ventured into for far too long. There will be alot of me i wish to share. Hopefully if i truthfully bare my thoughts and feelings for the masses shall I find my way back to writing. A writer I am, but i havent been too consistent, and i appologize. Not sure who is tuning in, but to whomever is, I thank you. May your visit here be something, positive i hope.
I will be truthful in the accounts i have you bare witness to. My opinions are mine and i hope you respect my need to write them down. I have soo much on my mind and my heart that i need to pour onto this computer screen. Maybe it will purge me of my waywards ways, maybe it will help me to better accept the person i am, or maybe its just another step in the journey that i’m taking. Whatever the reason, i will laugh, cry, scream, rant, and celebrate via the stories that i will right on here. Who knows what each entry will be. BUt i know for a fact that i need to express via more words than just pictures the complexties that make me, me.